How Attachment Styles Keep Us Stuck in Survival Mode
I recently had the pleasure of joining Lynda Carmouche on her podcast, Polished Pain, where we dove into a topic that affects nearly all of us: attachment styles and how they can trap us in a relentless cycle of survival mode. This episode, titled "How Attachment Styles Keep Us Stuck in Survival Mode," explores why our relationship patterns, formed early in life, can shape every connection we make—and keep us from truly thriving.
What Is Survival Mode?
To be in survival mode is to be in a constant state of alert, where your mind and body are focused on simply getting through the day, often to the detriment of genuine connection, self-compassion, and emotional wellness. When our nervous systems are continuously primed to "fight, flight, or freeze," it’s hard to move beyond fear and find security. For many of us, this cycle feels endless because it’s tied to something deeply ingrained: our attachment style.
Attachment Styles – The Foundation of Our Survival Instincts
In my work as a therapist specializing in attachment trauma, I see firsthand how attachment styles affect people’s lives in profound ways. Attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) develop in early childhood based on how we connected with our primary caregivers. These styles become the blueprint for how we engage with others—and even with ourselves.
When our needs as children weren’t met consistently, our brains learned to adapt, often through survival-based behaviors. We might become overly vigilant, avoidant, or needy, all in the name of emotional self-protection. These responses can keep us in survival mode as adults, even in situations where the original “threat” is no longer present.
Why We Get Stuck – And How We Can Move Forward
During the episode, Lynda and I unpacked how each attachment style can become its own trap:
Anxious Attachment: People with an anxious attachment style often feel a deep fear of abandonment, which keeps them on high alert in relationships, constantly scanning for any sign of rejection. This vigilance can make it difficult to relax and trust in the connection, perpetuating survival mode.
Avoidant Attachment: Those with an avoidant attachment style may suppress their needs and avoid closeness to avoid feeling vulnerable. While this can create a semblance of independence, it often keeps people from experiencing deep, fulfilling relationships—leaving them stuck in a cycle of self-reliance and isolation.
Disorganized Attachment: Disorganized attachment styles can feel like a painful mix of both anxious and avoidant tendencies. This unpredictability often stems from early relationships where caregivers were sources of both comfort and fear, which can lead to inner turmoil and an inability to feel safe in relationships.
In our conversation, we delved into practical ways to recognize these patterns and begin the journey of breaking free. By understanding your attachment style, you can start to see these survival behaviors for what they are—adaptive mechanisms that once protected you but may now be holding you back.
Key Takeaways from Our Discussion
Self-Awareness is Power: Understanding your attachment style is the first step. This awareness can help you recognize when survival mode is taking over and enable you to choose healthier ways to engage with others.
Emotional Regulation Techniques: Calming your nervous system is essential. In the podcast, we discussed techniques like grounding exercises, breathwork, and mindfulness to help bring you back to a state of calm.
Compassionate Self-Reflection: Healing attachment wounds requires patience and compassion. When you recognize an unhelpful pattern, try approaching it with curiosity instead of judgment. This can foster the self-compassion necessary for change.
The Power of Safe Connections: Healing often happens in safe relationships where we can practice new ways of relating. A secure partner, friend, or therapist can provide a new, healthier blueprint for connection.
The Journey Beyond Survival Mode
Moving from survival mode into a state of true safety and connection is a journey, one that often requires the support of others. Attachment healing doesn’t happen overnight, but every step towards awareness and self-compassion is a step toward freedom. As we discussed on Polished Pain, healing attachment wounds isn’t just about surviving your past; it’s about thriving in your present.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve ever felt stuck in survival mode, constantly on edge or unable to form secure, trusting relationships, this episode is for you. Lynda and I unpack these concepts in-depth and explore ways to turn awareness into action.
Listen to the full episode of Polished Pain with Lynda Carmouche here, and join us on this journey to move beyond survival and into a life filled with security, connection, and emotional freedom.
Let’s Heal Together
